The secret of the Muslim afterlife

Mohammed Mahmoud Mahmoud gripped the controls with a fervour that turned his knuckles a marbled brown. Beside him, his Brother Ackham bin Al'Din chanted loudly. The Quranic verses soaked through the cockpit with a strengthening power that was nothing short of magical. "We are changing history, my brother" he yelled, "The world of the infidel is at an end." As the looming grey face of the World Trade Center's Northern tower obscured his view, Mahmoud joined his brothers chant. He felt the shock of impact, then blackness. +++

Mohammed Mahmoud Mahmoud woke, but did not open his eyes. The subtle sound of a sitar, playing with a muffled twang as if from behind a curtain, fell to his ears. The soft scent of vanilla wafted over his skin and he felt soft pilows underneath his body. After absorbing the essence of relaxation, he slowly opened his eyes. He smiled. Couched before him, in a low pit, his gaze passed over the reclining shapes of dozens of gorgeous women. The embodiments of female beauty, each woman was clothed in the lightest cloth. The soft wind that carried the incense through the room fluttered their veils. "Allah be praised" Mahmoud whispered. "72 virgins!" The beauties smiled at him, and some began to crawl forward, oozing seduction. +++





God had his finger through the grip of a pair of scissors and was seeing how fast he could spin them around when the pitter-patter of sandals grabbed his attention. His door slammed open and he recognised his visitor just by the laborious way in which he drew breath. "What the fuck is going on?" yelled Jesus, wiping a thin slick of sweat from his brow. God spun around in his chair to face Jesus, and cocked an eyebrow. "What?" he intoned. "The pilot!" Jesus screamed, holding out his hands "the fucking pilot! You gave him 72 virgins after he killed all those people!" "Oh, did I?" said God, smiling, as if he had only just realised. "Don't fuck with me, Dad." warned Jesus, shaking his heavy locks over his face, "What is going on?" "Take a seat, Jesus" said God, patting the chair beside him, "I'll show you what happens to Muslim extremists and their 72 virgins". +++





1 year later, Jesus sat beside God and slapped his knee, spilling popcorn everywhere. "AAAAAAAAHAHAHAAHhahahahahahah" he guffawed. God picked up some of the fallen popcorn and popped it in his mouth. "See," he said to Jesus, who was trying not to choke with laughter. "Fucking hell, fucking hell, fucking hell, THAT'S FUNNY!" he roared, his face beet-red. "Not bad, hey" said God, leaning back. On the viewfinder, Mohammed Mahmoud Mahmoud was nearly in tears. In the background, two women were fighting each other while a third stood nose-to-nose with Mahmoud and screamed at his face "And if you don't clean up some of these pillows i swear... oh you just wait and see, Mister" A new noise emerged, that of a baby crying. Soon, it was joined by the screeching of what sounded like hundreds of babies. "MAHMOUD" the cry echoed through the small pit, "MAHMOUD I NEED DIAPERS" The voiced was soon joined by others, making a shrill cacophony that ripped the atmosphere like a blade. "Mahmoud i need baby oil" "Mahmoud, Abdul is hungry" "Mahmoud, where's my necklace?" "THIS IS NOT HOW IT WAS MEANT TO BE" wailed Mahmoud, pounding his head against the ground. With a small pop, God appeared in front of him. "Hey, buddy" said God, casually flipping a coin from one hand to the other. "Wha... wha... what is going on?" choked Abdul. "Well," said God, still flipping the coin, "for your crimes against humanity, i thought a fitting 0punishment would be 1 year with 72 virgins..." "Yes, yes" said Mahmoud, his face lightening "...then eternity with 72 women." God's laughter as he disappeared was masked only by Mahmoud's screams of absolute agony.